Be strong!

Do not let what binds you pull you so far down that you feel like you can’t get back up!

I started this journey in 2015 and when this happened to me, being bed-bound , not being able to walk, being on oxygen all the time. I felt like my life is over and I felt like that I had no choices. I had nothing, I lost everything that I had from my former life except for a few items.  I have continually lost things in the moves from nursing home to nursing home, and to the various homes I lived in outside of those nursing homes. I was in a situation where I thought that I was being taken care of and I was for a while but now that I look back on things, I don’t think that I was ever truly taken care of the way a person should be, and I don’t know if you can’t get that, but from anybody other than you somebody that truly truly loves you because if they truly truly love you, they’re not going to do things that are going to make you feel like you’re wrong, they’re not going to make you feel like you don’t deserve anything like you’re a burden and words don’t mean anything it’s the actions, the actions of the person that I thought for a long time was someone who cared about me. It’s been eight years and I thought that I was being cared for but this last year is proof to me that I was never really being cared for.  I had felt like this was my only option, I couldn’t do anything else,  I’m not able to walk I can’t care for myself, I can’t get up and make my own food get my own drinks. I can’t even pick up anything off the floor because I can’t reach it! So everything I did and everything that I had was wrapped up in this person and I didn’t think there was anybody else that would ever be able to help me and give me the needs that I needed.  Over this last year life has been so horrible. I have been on edge, depressed never really happy just a few happy moments. I was so depressed at one point not that I thought about suicide, but I could sympathize with someone who felt like they had absolutely nothing to live for. I thought what am I doing here? Why am I here? All I am is a burden on people, I can’t do anything to help anyone .  That’s what I thought of my life even though people would tell me differently that’s how I felt and I don’t know if that’s something that you can get away from.  I have no idea if I’ll ever get over this feeling of being a burden, but I do know that the situation that I was in was not the right way to be treated.  So now I am in my fourth nursing home and being back in a familiar town that I had lived in for 20 years or more and I am happy to be here. I am happy to be closer to my father and closer to people that I know.  It’s so much easier for my dad and his girlfriend to visit.  He’s been here every day since I got here, I know that that’s a rare occurrence but being in the same town it makes it much easier to stop by while you’re out.  I like the options that are presented to me here. This is a nice place. I have not found anything wrong with it yet.  Of course there’s the the general lack of staffing, but the staff is extremely nice extremely and you all know me how I am about the food and places like these and it’s usually horrible, but I did not really come across anything that’s been like oh hell no I’m not eating that, it’s not been like that!  But I’ve not been here very long so we will see lol! I can’t wait to get my clothes here though I’ll tell you that!  I am sitting up on the side of the bed right now so that I can just not be sitting in the bed constantly.I’m really gonna make what I can of this opportunity and I’m really going to try to get out and do things!  Only when the clothes get here though, I’m having a hard enough time sitting up on the side of the bed in a hospital gown … I have such an opportunity here to work towards getting things better, and that’s what I’m gonna do. I am not going to ever go back to that old life. I will never speak to those people again and not have anything to do with them? I don’t know if this is a Scorpio trait, but I know that it takes a lot to get me to the point of me saying “I am done with you” and when I am done I’m done!  I don’t go back and I’m not that’s the way it’s never going to be that way again!  My life is much better without them and it’s going to continue to get better. I may not ever be fully on my own again and fully able to do everything that I used to do but I’m gonna work my ass off to get to where I need to go and I just wanted to say to everyone don’t ever feel like you are in a position to where you cannot do anything, don’t feel helpless, don’t feel like you can’t get better. Don’t stay in a toxic situation, you should never feel like you are a burden or that you can’t ask for something. There is something better out there and with HARDWORK and the right people behind you, you can get there.

So join me on this journey and let’s see where it takes us!

 

New year same …

 It’s a new year! Yippee! Nope not feeling it! I wish there was a rewind button cause I would surely go back in time! If I could change things I would. I’m feeling so damn alone the only contact I have is Cecil and Corey and the both of them are holed up in the bedroom. I barely see them or even get spoken to. I don’t want it to be about me but I’m so damn tired of being alone. It used to not be so bad but as of late I’m alone more and more. I just don’t know how to handle it! I hope the year gets better cause I’m not sure I can handle this!

My thoughts

 

I am struggling! I don’t know if anyone reads this and it really doesn’t matter. I am so alone! Yes I have people around me one wonderful man that even though we are just friends he takes care of me. The other I’m trying I really am. I know he is going through things but that doesn’t mean you have to be mean. But that is not my point of this blog today. The point I want to try to get across is how do you be happy? I didn’t choose to lose all my independence, I didn’t choose to be this way! I am struggling with that so much right now. How do you not feel like a burden? How do you manage the basic functions and not bother anyone? Because that is what happened today it’s hard enough dealing with the fact that I have to ask someone to help me go to the bathroom but to be told that I do it on purpose I don’t know how to deal with that. It’sa body function I can’t just go on demand and to be told why didn’t you go an hour ago well I’m sorry but it didn’t hit me till just now. But again n not the point I’m trying to go after her. Tell me someone enlighten me please I don’t like feeling like a burden to everyone. I feel so completely awful and I don’t know how to fix it. I truly try my best to do things on my own but there are just some things that I can’t…I just can’t… and I don’t know how to deal with it!!!! I feel sad all the time… yes there are times when I’m not but they are few and far in between. I want to be happy but it’s been 7 damn years and I just feel like everyone’s lives would be better without me around!

Loneliness

I just was want to know how do you deal with the loneliness?  I’m a really understanding person bb but man I’m lonely.  I know everyone has a life I get that but I’m just stuck here can’t go no where and I’m at the mercy of other people.  They say oh I’m going to come visit when I have time.  When you have time ok I get that but sometimes you have to make time. Ya know people are not always going to be around, you have to make time to see them if they truly mean something to you! If I could I would get out and visit but I can’t so what do I do to combat this loneliness?  I listen to music, watch TV when I can find something good, I read, write, do craft. What else can I do? I’m at the point of just sitting here crying, and I hate that!

Words hurt

 

Just want to put this out there as a friendly service announcement! Because of the words you use in anger.  You may not mean them or you may but there maybe a better way to voice your thoughts than in words that will hurt. Unless it is your intention to hurt the person you’re talking to. I feel and this is just my opinion is that if you really love someone your not going to call them stupid or disgusting, fat pig, ugly or any other words that can truly damage a person. It hurts to have someone you love to call you these types of names. I wouldn’t call someone I love a name that was derogatory to who they are or how they look. If you were sensitive about your weight be it over or under, or maybe you feel your nose is too big or too small, maybe it’s a condition that you can’t help. I’ve known many people with skin conditions, any of these things and so many others you would just be intentionally hurting the person by saying something derogatory about stuff like that. You wouldn’t like anyone that said something to you that you were self conscious about so why do it to someone else.. I don’t understand how telling someone that they are fat, stupid, nasty, fat, disgusting. If anyone actually reads this and can explain to me how in any aspect is this the right thing to do! All it does is HURT the person that you supposedly love and then that person starts to wonder if it truly is love because if it was they wouldn’t say those things. I know people get tired and hurt themselves but does that give you an excuse to speak to others so vilely (I’m not even sure that’sa word but it makes sense to me)

It’s been a while

 

I’ve not been here in a while a long while and so much has happened over the last few years, but I may or may not get into that another day. Today though I just need somewhere to vent, somewhere that I can get my feelings out without anyone thinking anything. This is just what I feel at the moment and I don’t need anyone thinking anything into it or telling me I shouldn’t feel the way I’m feeling or anyone feeling sorry for me, I don’t need anyone saying anything to me really I just need to get this off my chest so that maybe I can feel better. I don’t feel like myself I haven’t for a while now. It’s like the person I know I am isn’t here right now the Chairty that I know I am has gone somewhere and right now I don’t know where she is. I am struggling with why am I the one here when someone healthy is gone. I am struggling with feelings of non worth. I can’t see why I am here I have one person in my whole life that is willing to take care of me. I have one person other than the person I live with that has actually took the time to come visit me. I know that there have been people that have been to visit but I struggle I’m struggling with being alone most of my days. And as I said I’m not writing this for any response from anyone but I don’t think anyone reads this so that is why I’m choosing to write here. I just feel like I’m not worth anything. I am supposed to be this person that everyone loves but I don’t feel it. I get it from one person but he is not right himself after the death of his friend and I know he struggles to with the why of everything.  So I do not begrudge him in his feelings I am having them to. But I also deal with the fact that he is the only one that has ever stepped up since this has all started. Where are all those people that are my friends. Where is my family. I struggle with the fact that my dad would rather me be in a home then take care of me but when his son fell into the almost same situation he did not hesitate to get him and take him into his home. I struggle with that. I just want to get back to the me that I know I am and I’m not sure how to do that. I’m uncomfortable everything gets on my nerves from my blanket to my nose cannula to the Polish on my nails… I know it all is really petty shit but it’s what I’m feeling. I’m hoping that writing it down will help. I’m sure this post is all over the place and probably doesn’t make much sense but it’s really only for me to get feelings out.

How do you disengage?

So how do you disengage from everything? When everything starts to get to you..... When things start getting on your nerves for no apparent reason. When every little sound just rides your nerves.... How do you get away from it? Being in a nursing home I find I have to 'get away' pretty often... But of course I can't go to the park...I can't go to the river...I can't sit under a tree and read... But what I can do is put my earbuds in close my eyes and listen to music, or book on tape which I have found you tube is very useful for that....I also have found a love for real life crimes.... I listen to Murder Mystery Makeup Monday w/ Bailey Sarian... If you like Mystery murder makeup or all three check her out on you tube. Or I'll binge on videos from Slapped Ham they do a variety of ghost alien anything scary.... That's just some of my go to's when I find I can no longer take the outside sounds.... The multiple TV's the gentleman with his coughing the lady that says hello over and over again or the rustling of paper or plastic. I can go on and on but you get my point.... We all need our down time I don't care if you are like me and have no choice over where you are or the business man, the mother, the teenager. We all need to disengage every once in a while.... So be kind and give everyone some time to themselves and take some time for you.... Whatever you need to do to get away... Each of us has a different way.... Find yours and take it..... Sorry for everything written to one side I couldn't get it center it.....

Covid-10

 

Ok so I know that everyone is aware of covid-19 pandemic....but I'm here to give you my view on how things are. As you may or may not know I am in nursing facility I've been here for six months I think.... Time kind of runs together when you're in a place like this..... You tend to forget the date, the day of the week, and occasionally even the month you're in.... So I was only supposed to be in here a couple of months but the covid hit everything went on lockdown. The lockdown I'm sure affected those of you in what I call the real world, which is everywhere but where I am.

So this is how it has been for me.... We are on complete lockdown only employees are able to come in and out... I've only seen one loved one.... Once, since I've been here. And that was only outside my window..... So still no hugs, kisses nothing I can only see you I can't touch you. So I know this is difficult on everyone I really do but I want you to know how I and others in a home such as this feels.

Even though there are people here that don't or can't comprehend that there is a pandemic going, they do realize that something is going on... People can't go smoke, people that are used to coming out of their rooms suddenly can't leave their rooms... They may not know what's going on in the real world but they know something up.

For me I'm used to not going out but what gets too me is the not seeing my friends and family.... I was supposed to already be out of here and in a place with my friend. I find it really hard to not be lonely.... Yes there are people to talk to the CNAs, the nurses, and the other people that work here.... Sure I talk to them but that is just a few minutes out of the day they have other people to care for or see, that they can't stay with me and play cards or a game or a conversation.. occasionally a certain rooster will show up and we will chat but that is also far and few between.... And I hope you all are aware that when I say rooster I do actually mean a person. I'm not sure if I can give you an accurate account of what I feel but I think my next blog will go I into more of how I deal with things.

I'll leave you here for now but I plan on getting back to you real soon.

A NEW START

A BIGHT NEW DAY

I just want to start fresh..  I haven't written here in quite a while and i want to pick it back up. not just for me but for others that may enjoy it or get some encouragement from it.

The things going on now in my life just a brief look back to this last year...

Ive moved from the facility to home with Richard and hos family who i think of as part of my family. I couldn't ask for anyone better... Richard takes care of me, helping me do the daily things that need doing. And His mom and dad help me so much...as does his brother Jakob he keeps me on my toes...lol cant forget gmaw and Destiny....everyone helps out so much... I'm very blessed that this family has taken me in and cares and loves me so much.

Ive actually got insurance!  So I'm on the way to getting all my meds fixed and get things going that need to be going.

I don't plan on staying in this bed forever!!!!

Ive got help three times a week and we are working my legs and arms and getting things moving..

So stick with me and lets see where this life takes us!

PASSING TIME

So a little over a month has passed since I've moved from Bordeaux to here in Alabama with my guys.  We are still trying to figure things out but I will definitely say my state of mind is better than it was.

I'm so much happier here than in rehab.  Not to say that we havnt had our issues.  the humidity is a major issue.  Seems that I tend to sweat a lot under me just laying in the bed.  But I think we might have this figured out. Its my fault of course lol. I love my blankets and I was using them to cover with but they were generating too much heat. So Ive switched to the comforter that came with the sheets so it seems that for now

JUST THE THREE OF US...

Back where I should be, where I feel I should have been a while ago.  But things work out the way they should.  Yes I'm out of rehab and back with my guys.  They are able to devote more time to my recovery than anyone else...1000 times better than rehab.  I feel that Bordeaux can't devote enough time to the care and help and well being of anyone there. We are all day constantly doing something to better things for me.  As for me right now I am laying here with a special boot on.

Very similar to this boot.  What it's doing is trying to bend my ankle, get it right as well as my leg, to make sure my leg is turned correctly. On top of that there is exercise with the therabands. 

And the torture of it being pushed into place.  Gotta love a friend that is willing to hurt you...lol

Needless to say I'm really glad to be home and excited to see where this takes us three. It's really nice being with the guys I've really missed them, mom, dad and sweet Jakob. We all three have great plans and I couldn't ask for better care. Ready for Dad and Dave to visit..  Ready for my family through one of my guys to visit, and ready for friends.  I truly had no idea how much I needed this.

THE TIME HAS COME...

Thankfully the time has come to say goodbye to this rehab center I'm in..

truthfully I was beginning to think it would never happen.

I've been here for 15 months,  I've met some really good people, but this is not for me.

I'm young still and I need to be with people who love me.

Coming here I was scared I didn't think I would get any better, but I did. I may not be 100% but I'm a lot better now than I was when I came here. I came with a trach in and not being able to stand or have my feet touched at all. Now my only issue is I cant stand and I know that my friends will help me get to that point.  I'd like to think that I will be 100% but I'm not foolish enough to think that, but I do believe I will not be bed bound forever.

Being here has given me a better sense of what people go through, not only the patients but the staff.

Staff that has to work short handed everyday and because of them having to work short the patients don't get the care they need, but that is another entry.

Maybe now that I am not gonna be here any longer just maybe I can focus on issues I went through while I was here.

I will be posting my progress and hopefully be posting a lot more..

Wish me luck in this new endeavor.

I'll be seeing you soon.

BEAUTY?

I'm a big girl. I have been ever since my teens. I've heard over the years that I would be so pretty if I lost weight. I was just flipping the channels on the tv and on one of these channels was one of these new weight loss shows..The show is about, based on the title and my opinion, getting revenge on others by losing weight. This semi-quasi famous person was sitting there with an over weight woman and I literally heard her say ' but you have such a pretty face '. In this day and age you have this person who was considered over weight her whole life, now skinny, telling people that basically if they were to lose the weight they would be pretty. This demeans everything that we have all been trying to accomplish in size equality. We are trying to prove to kids nowadays that it doesn't matter what size you are, that you are beautiful no matter what. So you have this so called famous person putting the walls back up that we are trying to tear down. When are people going to realize that saying things like this is so damaging to young girls, it them makes think that because of their size that they are not beautiful. This is not true. Remember no matter what your size, color, age, you are beautiful. I hope at some point everyone will realize this.

LOOKING BACK

Last night I watched a couple of movies from my childhood...  One movie that is very cheesy very much an '80's movie but brings back so many memories..The first of three movies I watched was Better Off Dead with John Cusack.. If you've never seen it then I really suggest you take the time to just sit back and watch this movie.. "I want my $2" if and when you watch this movie you will understand what that means.. has to the the best part of the movie. Watching this movie has made me want to watch all those other 80's movies I loved.  Sixteen Candles, Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Some kind of wonderful....even Lucas.

But then I moved on to another favorite and again I encourage you to see this movie also or at least read the book which Ive done both...  Something Wicked this way Comes.. Its a Ray Bradbury book and that in and of itself should make you want to read the book.  The movie is pretty good also and it took be back to my childhood which was nice.

The last movie is called The Big Blue.  I remember watching this movie with my mother and brings back such good memories, especially right here when her birthday is in a few days, and yes I did cry not just because of the movie but because of my mother.  Now in watching this last movie I realized that this type of movie is something that most people will not like and will not understand, I also realized that this movie is something that is not and never will be mainstream. I can think of only one other person that would sit and watch this movie with me.  It will make you cry and can be difficult to understand and as a young kid watching this movie I know that I didn't comprehend everything that I should of, thankfully me and mom watched it more than once.  It brought back such great feelings and memories.

I encourage everyone to just take a day and watch those old movies that you loved growing up, share them with your friends, kids if you have them, nieces and nephews or just sit back and watch them alone with a bowl of popcorn.  Go back and enjoy a bit of childhood its good for the soul!

LIFE RULES

A friend of a friend posted this on Facebook yesterday, and when I read it I kept thinking how profound it is.  So I wanted to share it here and of course add my two cents also.

#1 Make peace with your past, so it wont screw up your present

I've said something very similar to this for years.  As an adult you can no longer blame your parents, or any other person that treated you wrong.  How many times have we heard, "I am like this because of my childhood" well sure shit happens but as an adult you know what is right and wrong, there comes a time in life when you have to account for your own actions.

#2  What others think of you is none of your business

Truer words have never been spoken. Why worry what other people think about you, all that should concern you is your own opinion on yourself.  If you are happy with who you are then that is what matters, now if your not happy with you then you are the only that can change that.

#3 Time heals almost everything, give it time

This is very true and whoever has ever been through a tragedy then you know that this is true.  Be it a bad breakup, a death in the family, loss of a job, whatever it is in time this will not hurt as bad and you will be able to think back on it and not be devastated, heartbroken, angry, sad. Just give it time.

#4 Don't compare yourself to others and don't judge them. 

You have no idea what their journey is all about.

When you see someone in this journey that we call life, you have no idea what that person is going through.  There are things that we can see but a lot of the shit we go through in this life is not shown on the outside. You don't know if that person is suffering, hurting, hungry, tired.  You don't know, so in  my opinion don't judge them. You truly have no idea what they are going through in their life. 

#5 Stop thinking so much, it's alright not to know the answer every time,

it will eventually come to you

Sometimes in life we think way to much.  I don't know about you men but I know us women over think a lot of things, it's usually never the simple answer for us. Women analyze things so much that by the time we are done we have broken everything down into tiny pieces that we no longer recognize and we have now either blown things out of proportion or made ourselves sick with worry that what we have come up with is the truth, and yes most of the time its the worst possible scenario. So everyone stop over thinking it will be detrimental to your mental health.
#6 No one is in charge of your happiness except you
So many of these are linked together.  If you read back over the previous numbers I've already mentioned this.  You are an adult only you have the ability to change things so get to it, not happy in life change it. You know what is not making you happy so change it, be happy with you cause when your happy with you others will be happy with you too.
#7 Smile you don't own all the problems in the world
You can only change/effect so much in life. But I'm telling you happy likes happy.  If your happy then other people that are happy will notice this and will be attracted to you. People will see that you are happy and want to be a part of that.. So never lose your Happy!
All in all I'm just trying to tell ya, Be happy with yourself and treat people the way you want to be treated. This life is too short not to be happy people, So please find your happy within yourself and then you'll find your happy every where else. 💚💚

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS?

It's that time of year again. It's a new year and I'm sure you are all asking yourselves, 'What should my New Year's Resolutions be?'

Well my idea is to not make New Year's resolutions. As we all know New Year's resolutions rarely get any farther than the end of January. So I plan on making life changes that I feel I can actually reach.

1. Get out of this nursing home/rehab hell

2. I love to say walk again which is my end goal but I will say that at best I at least want to be able to stand and take a few steps.

3. I want to get over my hesitation/fear of writing the intimate issues I want to blog about.

These are the things that I plan on changing this year.

I believe we should make changes that can be met realistically.

Instead of the huge resolutions of :  I'm going to exercise, make the choice to park farther away from the door when you go to the store, or take the stairs, make the choice to do something than can actually be achieved, something than can be changed for the long haul, instead of going from no exercise to I'm going to exercise everyday. Choose to not drink that regular pop, or eat smaller portions ( was told once that ya know you have to eat everything on your plate).

So good luck and I hope that we call can reach our personal choices.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I just want to wish each and everyone of you a very Merry Christmas..  My wish for you is that you are surrounded by the ones you love be it friends or family, hopefully both. I hope that you have a day filled with good food, fun games, a leisurely nap, more food and lots of love.  Being in here I have come to realize that sometimes you don't know that your missing something till it shows up unexpectedly at your door. So treasure these times that you have with your loved ones and at some point in the day take a step back and just look on at your loved ones and take a mental picture so that you can remember this moment later on in the year when you need to tap into that happy place, you will have this to look back on and remember the joy and love that you felt today.  

CONSIDERATION

I just wanted to touch on something here.  If your in a situation where you have to share an intimate space with a stranger, please have consideration for others in the room.  Currently I am sharing a room with a woman who leaves her tv on when she leaves the room and when she sleeps, has her phone on speaker when she makes her thousand calls a day/night, and has the volume up when she plays her games. There is a certain amount of consideration when in this type of situation.  Example: when your roommate is having a conversation with another person that enters the room do not but into that conversation unless invited to,especially if said conversation is done behind a closed curtain.
I try my best to be thoughtful of my roommate,  I'm not here saying that I am the best roommate.  I know that I have my faults, and maybe I'm being a bit harsh and unreasonable but when you spend 24/7 in a small room with someone little things tend to get on your nerves. Those of you that have been in my situation know EXACTLY what I mean.
So please turn your tv off, and when you have them on keep them at a reasonable volume. I may not want to watch what your watching and if I do then hey we will have surround sound going on.  When your on the phone trust me no one wants to hear your conversation with Aunt Betty, or your games with the annoying sounds and the even louder pop up ads.
Just be thoughtful and considerate of others around you, not just your roommate but everyone you come across in this thing we call life. We are all in this together!

LIES

There is something that I just can't grasp the understanding of and that is LIES! Why is it that people Lie? I've never been able to understand it. When I was a kid, of course I lied, who hasn't. Not know then that if I had just told the truth in the first place, I would have been much better off.  When you tell a lie the truth ALWAYS comes out and you would be much better off just telling the truth in the first place. When you lie you end up getting into more trouble when the truth comes out.  Better to just get into trouble without the lie tagged onto it, and sometimes when you tell the truth you don't even get in trouble for what you did, but if you lie you will end up in trouble for just lying.
As you grow up you should learn that important lesson, some people do and unfortunately some don't. I think it is sad when a so called adult lies.  I've recently witnessed someone flat out lying. A grown woman lying about people and those lies could potentially cause someone to lose their job.  It makes me wonder how someone could live with themselves knowing that the lie they told caused a good hard working person to lose their job. I've also witnessed people lying just to be lying.  It doesn't matter what or who you lie about because in the long run these lies will come back and bite you in the ass.
So to anyone who feels the need to lie about something, remember the old saying Karma is a Bitch.  So think about what you are about to say and if its a lie just keep your mouth shut.

LONELY TIME OF YEAR

I am feeling really lonely this year.  I know if I was not in this situation that this wouldn't even be an issue.  I've sat here and thought about it. Last year I was in the hospital and yes it was lonely but I was dealing with a lot.  This year I'm still dealing but I've had time to shall we say deal with some of it.  It seems that I have more time to think about what I could be doing or what my loved ones are doing without me.  Those small traditions that have been made over the years and the new ones that could have been made.  I miss the decorations, this time of year everyone has beautiful decorations up, the lights, the trees with decorations.  I find that I am missing all those things. 

So in saying all this I'd like to remind everyone, make time for those you love, friends and family, those that are not able to get out and about. Put some decorations up, lights, something to help them enjoy the holiday season. It may just be a  blip in time for you but it could mean the world to them.