My thoughts

 

I am struggling! I don’t know if anyone reads this and it really doesn’t matter. I am so alone! Yes I have people around me one wonderful man that even though we are just friends he takes care of me. The other I’m trying I really am. I know he is going through things but that doesn’t mean you have to be mean. But that is not my point of this blog today. The point I want to try to get across is how do you be happy? I didn’t choose to lose all my independence, I didn’t choose to be this way! I am struggling with that so much right now. How do you not feel like a burden? How do you manage the basic functions and not bother anyone? Because that is what happened today it’s hard enough dealing with the fact that I have to ask someone to help me go to the bathroom but to be told that I do it on purpose I don’t know how to deal with that. It’sa body function I can’t just go on demand and to be told why didn’t you go an hour ago well I’m sorry but it didn’t hit me till just now. But again n not the point I’m trying to go after her. Tell me someone enlighten me please I don’t like feeling like a burden to everyone. I feel so completely awful and I don’t know how to fix it. I truly try my best to do things on my own but there are just some things that I can’t…I just can’t… and I don’t know how to deal with it!!!! I feel sad all the time… yes there are times when I’m not but they are few and far in between. I want to be happy but it’s been 7 damn years and I just feel like everyone’s lives would be better without me around!

Loneliness

I just was want to know how do you deal with the loneliness?  I’m a really understanding person bb but man I’m lonely.  I know everyone has a life I get that but I’m just stuck here can’t go no where and I’m at the mercy of other people.  They say oh I’m going to come visit when I have time.  When you have time ok I get that but sometimes you have to make time. Ya know people are not always going to be around, you have to make time to see them if they truly mean something to you! If I could I would get out and visit but I can’t so what do I do to combat this loneliness?  I listen to music, watch TV when I can find something good, I read, write, do craft. What else can I do? I’m at the point of just sitting here crying, and I hate that!

Words hurt

 

Just want to put this out there as a friendly service announcement! Because of the words you use in anger.  You may not mean them or you may but there maybe a better way to voice your thoughts than in words that will hurt. Unless it is your intention to hurt the person you’re talking to. I feel and this is just my opinion is that if you really love someone your not going to call them stupid or disgusting, fat pig, ugly or any other words that can truly damage a person. It hurts to have someone you love to call you these types of names. I wouldn’t call someone I love a name that was derogatory to who they are or how they look. If you were sensitive about your weight be it over or under, or maybe you feel your nose is too big or too small, maybe it’s a condition that you can’t help. I’ve known many people with skin conditions, any of these things and so many others you would just be intentionally hurting the person by saying something derogatory about stuff like that. You wouldn’t like anyone that said something to you that you were self conscious about so why do it to someone else.. I don’t understand how telling someone that they are fat, stupid, nasty, fat, disgusting. If anyone actually reads this and can explain to me how in any aspect is this the right thing to do! All it does is HURT the person that you supposedly love and then that person starts to wonder if it truly is love because if it was they wouldn’t say those things. I know people get tired and hurt themselves but does that give you an excuse to speak to others so vilely (I’m not even sure that’sa word but it makes sense to me)

It’s been a while

 

I’ve not been here in a while a long while and so much has happened over the last few years, but I may or may not get into that another day. Today though I just need somewhere to vent, somewhere that I can get my feelings out without anyone thinking anything. This is just what I feel at the moment and I don’t need anyone thinking anything into it or telling me I shouldn’t feel the way I’m feeling or anyone feeling sorry for me, I don’t need anyone saying anything to me really I just need to get this off my chest so that maybe I can feel better. I don’t feel like myself I haven’t for a while now. It’s like the person I know I am isn’t here right now the Chairty that I know I am has gone somewhere and right now I don’t know where she is. I am struggling with why am I the one here when someone healthy is gone. I am struggling with feelings of non worth. I can’t see why I am here I have one person in my whole life that is willing to take care of me. I have one person other than the person I live with that has actually took the time to come visit me. I know that there have been people that have been to visit but I struggle I’m struggling with being alone most of my days. And as I said I’m not writing this for any response from anyone but I don’t think anyone reads this so that is why I’m choosing to write here. I just feel like I’m not worth anything. I am supposed to be this person that everyone loves but I don’t feel it. I get it from one person but he is not right himself after the death of his friend and I know he struggles to with the why of everything.  So I do not begrudge him in his feelings I am having them to. But I also deal with the fact that he is the only one that has ever stepped up since this has all started. Where are all those people that are my friends. Where is my family. I struggle with the fact that my dad would rather me be in a home then take care of me but when his son fell into the almost same situation he did not hesitate to get him and take him into his home. I struggle with that. I just want to get back to the me that I know I am and I’m not sure how to do that. I’m uncomfortable everything gets on my nerves from my blanket to my nose cannula to the Polish on my nails… I know it all is really petty shit but it’s what I’m feeling. I’m hoping that writing it down will help. I’m sure this post is all over the place and probably doesn’t make much sense but it’s really only for me to get feelings out.