Be strong!

Do not let what binds you pull you so far down that you feel like you can’t get back up!

I started this journey in 2015 and when this happened to me, being bed-bound , not being able to walk, being on oxygen all the time. I felt like my life is over and I felt like that I had no choices. I had nothing, I lost everything that I had from my former life except for a few items.  I have continually lost things in the moves from nursing home to nursing home, and to the various homes I lived in outside of those nursing homes. I was in a situation where I thought that I was being taken care of and I was for a while but now that I look back on things, I don’t think that I was ever truly taken care of the way a person should be, and I don’t know if you can’t get that, but from anybody other than you somebody that truly truly loves you because if they truly truly love you, they’re not going to do things that are going to make you feel like you’re wrong, they’re not going to make you feel like you don’t deserve anything like you’re a burden and words don’t mean anything it’s the actions, the actions of the person that I thought for a long time was someone who cared about me. It’s been eight years and I thought that I was being cared for but this last year is proof to me that I was never really being cared for.  I had felt like this was my only option, I couldn’t do anything else,  I’m not able to walk I can’t care for myself, I can’t get up and make my own food get my own drinks. I can’t even pick up anything off the floor because I can’t reach it! So everything I did and everything that I had was wrapped up in this person and I didn’t think there was anybody else that would ever be able to help me and give me the needs that I needed.  Over this last year life has been so horrible. I have been on edge, depressed never really happy just a few happy moments. I was so depressed at one point not that I thought about suicide, but I could sympathize with someone who felt like they had absolutely nothing to live for. I thought what am I doing here? Why am I here? All I am is a burden on people, I can’t do anything to help anyone .  That’s what I thought of my life even though people would tell me differently that’s how I felt and I don’t know if that’s something that you can get away from.  I have no idea if I’ll ever get over this feeling of being a burden, but I do know that the situation that I was in was not the right way to be treated.  So now I am in my fourth nursing home and being back in a familiar town that I had lived in for 20 years or more and I am happy to be here. I am happy to be closer to my father and closer to people that I know.  It’s so much easier for my dad and his girlfriend to visit.  He’s been here every day since I got here, I know that that’s a rare occurrence but being in the same town it makes it much easier to stop by while you’re out.  I like the options that are presented to me here. This is a nice place. I have not found anything wrong with it yet.  Of course there’s the the general lack of staffing, but the staff is extremely nice extremely and you all know me how I am about the food and places like these and it’s usually horrible, but I did not really come across anything that’s been like oh hell no I’m not eating that, it’s not been like that!  But I’ve not been here very long so we will see lol! I can’t wait to get my clothes here though I’ll tell you that!  I am sitting up on the side of the bed right now so that I can just not be sitting in the bed constantly.I’m really gonna make what I can of this opportunity and I’m really going to try to get out and do things!  Only when the clothes get here though, I’m having a hard enough time sitting up on the side of the bed in a hospital gown … I have such an opportunity here to work towards getting things better, and that’s what I’m gonna do. I am not going to ever go back to that old life. I will never speak to those people again and not have anything to do with them? I don’t know if this is a Scorpio trait, but I know that it takes a lot to get me to the point of me saying “I am done with you” and when I am done I’m done!  I don’t go back and I’m not that’s the way it’s never going to be that way again!  My life is much better without them and it’s going to continue to get better. I may not ever be fully on my own again and fully able to do everything that I used to do but I’m gonna work my ass off to get to where I need to go and I just wanted to say to everyone don’t ever feel like you are in a position to where you cannot do anything, don’t feel helpless, don’t feel like you can’t get better. Don’t stay in a toxic situation, you should never feel like you are a burden or that you can’t ask for something. There is something better out there and with HARDWORK and the right people behind you, you can get there.

So join me on this journey and let’s see where it takes us!