I’ve not been here in a while a long while and so much has happened over the last few years, but I may or may not get into that another day. Today though I just need somewhere to vent, somewhere that I can get my feelings out without anyone thinking anything. This is just what I feel at the moment and I don’t need anyone thinking anything into it or telling me I shouldn’t feel the way I’m feeling or anyone feeling sorry for me, I don’t need anyone saying anything to me really I just need to get this off my chest so that maybe I can feel better. I don’t feel like myself I haven’t for a while now. It’s like the person I know I am isn’t here right now the Chairty that I know I am has gone somewhere and right now I don’t know where she is. I am struggling with why am I the one here when someone healthy is gone. I am struggling with feelings of non worth. I can’t see why I am here I have one person in my whole life that is willing to take care of me. I have one person other than the person I live with that has actually took the time to come visit me. I know that there have been people that have been to visit but I struggle I’m struggling with being alone most of my days. And as I said I’m not writing this for any response from anyone but I don’t think anyone reads this so that is why I’m choosing to write here. I just feel like I’m not worth anything. I am supposed to be this person that everyone loves but I don’t feel it. I get it from one person but he is not right himself after the death of his friend and I know he struggles to with the why of everything. So I do not begrudge him in his feelings I am having them to. But I also deal with the fact that he is the only one that has ever stepped up since this has all started. Where are all those people that are my friends. Where is my family. I struggle with the fact that my dad would rather me be in a home then take care of me but when his son fell into the almost same situation he did not hesitate to get him and take him into his home. I struggle with that. I just want to get back to the me that I know I am and I’m not sure how to do that. I’m uncomfortable everything gets on my nerves from my blanket to my nose cannula to the Polish on my nails… I know it all is really petty shit but it’s what I’m feeling. I’m hoping that writing it down will help. I’m sure this post is all over the place and probably doesn’t make much sense but it’s really only for me to get feelings out.
